Many factors contribute to our feelings of inadequacy in the eyes of our parents, from the establishment of unattainable standards to unfavorable comparisons with other children.
Growing up in dysfunctional households can often lead to a persistent struggle to meet our parents’ expectations. The absence of love, care, and affection in our upbringing can foster feelings of inadequacy. Additionally, unrealistic expectations set by our parents and caregivers can drive us to constantly strive for more. Therapist Morgan Pommells emphasizes that children of emotionally immature parents frequently grapple with feelings of inadequacy due to their parents’ unrealistic expectations, inconsistent validation, conditional love, emotional manipulation, and other harmful behaviors. These early experiences can have lasting effects on self-esteem and emotional well-being, often affecting future romantic relationships as well.
Morgan has outlined several reasons contributing to the feeling of never being good enough for our parents:
1. Conditional love based on achievement: Many parents establish limits and expectations for their children, tying their love to performance and achievements. This conditions us to believe that we are only worthy of love when we meet certain standards, fostering feelings of inadequacy.
2. Unrealistic and perfectionist expectations: Parents often set impossibly high standards, continually raising the bar even when we manage to meet their previous expectations. As a result, we constantly strive to reach unattainable goals, leading to a sense of failure.
3. Guilt and manipulation tactics: Some parents employ guilt and manipulation tactics, causing us to internalize responsibility for their happiness. This manipulation can create overwhelming guilt when our parents express dissatisfaction.
4. Inconsistency in affection and praise: Parents may exhibit extreme affection one moment and indifference the next. These inconsistent displays of love leave us feeling undeserving of their affection and convince us that we are not good enough for them.
5. Constant comparison with others: Parents frequently compare us to other children and peers, highlighting our shortcomings rather than our strengths. This constant focus on our flaws erodes our self-esteem and reinforces the notion that we fall short of expectations.